One of those rewrites!

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One of those rewrites!

Post by Avery on Thu Oct 13, 2011 8:08 pm

Have you ever stumbled upon something, read through it, and then nearly died because of how awful if was? I did that with something I had found the other night that I had written when I was twelve and found no grammar whatsoever. I rewrote it the other night and wonder if it's any good to continue on...

It was seven minutes after midnight and all of the trees were bleached a pale bone color. Via walked out onto her lawn, seeing small mushroom circles scattered around. She pursed her lips slightly. Mushrooms were supposed to be dead this time of year She shook her head, blowing them off, her original target in mind. The tree. She crossed the grass which crunched slightly as the frozen blades snapped. The lawn was covered in a layer of silver and the air was cold enough so she could see her breath when she exhaled.

The tree wasn’t too far away. Via could be there in a matter of minutes. She stuck her hands in the insulated pockets of her black trench coat. Her head was down the entire way there, her red hair darkened, whipping around her like vines. The tree was so different. Once she had played her so joyously, a small child, no more than eight. Eight years later and she had thought she was never going to see this place again. It was different without XxX here.

The snap of a twig was enough to set her off. Via’s head jerked up and she saw a boy there. His eyes were as dark as the raven hair that fell past his shoulders. He looked like something that had been drawn right out of a fairytale. He was still, completely unmoving and Via wondered if her mind was playing tricks on her. She took an experimental step forward and gained no reaction from his impassive face.

“Hello?” She asked warily. “Are you alright?”

Still nothing. She gained more ground, closing the distance between them and stood face to face. He had a small stud in his nose and a blank look in his eyes. She waved her hands in front of his face and he stayed completely still. Maybe he was frozen. She put her finger out, like she was going to touch his cheek and he seemed to become more animated. She screeched and started to jump back as he caught her wrist.

“Surely you don’t think you could go and touch me,” he said, like it was common knowledge that he was too good to be touched. She raised an eyebrow and yanked her hand back, rubbing her wrist from his icy grasp. His voice had been as cold as the air around her and sent shivers down her spine.

“I’m so sorry to show a little concern for a fellow human being,” she snapped, still cradling her hand. Via thought she saw his eyes flash silver for a split second and a cold smile tugged at the corners of his lips. Curious.

“And if I said I’m not human?” He challenged, one eyebrow quirking up slightly.

“I’d call you a liar,” she said.

“As they say, ignorance is bliss,” he said, his voice seeming to cut through her. He turned his back to her and started walking.

What? She was frozen, watching leave until his body was no longer visible in the growing fog. She ran her hand through her hair, pushing it back. Via’s face was a mask of shock and confusion, not fading. She forced herself to look back at the tree. After a moment she walked over and ran the gnarled bark and closed her eyes. She slumped against the sturdy trunk and slid to the ground.

Something about this place, with the exception of the creepy guy, gave her a sense of peace. Via laid her head back, keeping her eyes closed and let out a long sigh. She didn’t want to go home, not right now. Her father would probably be there, awake, furious. Biting down hard on her lip, she decided to let her body drift into unconsciousness.


When Via woke, the morning light was bright in her eyes, invading and burning. She blocked most of it out with the back of her arm and groaned, sitting up. As she moved, she felt her clothing sticking to her, dampened by the morning dew. She was freezing, too. Her fingertips were starting to grow blue and she was sure her lips were the same.

As she stood, her body was racked with unshakable stiffness and shivers that ripped though her, desperately searching for warmth. Why did she sleep out here? It wasn’t one of her brightest moments, for sure. She walked away from the tree and stopped a few feet away. The spot where she was standing felt awfully familiar.

Then, it all hit her. Memories of the previous night flooded back to Via, but they were foggy, like she had been drunk. She hadn’t been drinking, had she? No, she didn’t think so. The boys face was clear, though; his superior tone still ringing loudly in her ears. He must’ve been a dream or something. There was no way someone who looked so… perfect… could be real. She shook her head and sighed, heading home, bracing herself for the inevitable punishment.

Just as she had expected, her father was on the couch, though he was slumped over, asleep. The dark rings under his eyes told her that he had been up for quite some time, probably worrying about her. That was something she had always hated about him. He always seemed to hover over her, ever since her mother and sister were in the accident; he had treated her like she was a baby, a porcelain doll.

That had sparked Via’s ‘rebellious’ stage. In all honesty, when she sat down and thought about it, she appreciated the concern he always had and knew it was for the best, but sometimes, it felt like she was suffocating. She crept past him and up to her bathroom, running a hot bath and sinking into the water. She instantly felt the effects of the water kick in, returning her fingers to their normal color.

When she finally got dressed, Via walked back downstairs. Her father was sitting upright, staring at the spot she stopped at, his eyes blazing. She knew that this was the part where she stopped yelling. This was the part where she shut down and wouldn’t talk with him for a while, maybe even the day. Suddenly, she got an idea, though.

“Where were you last night, Via?!” He asked, the same fire in his voice that was coloring his eyes.

“What are you talking about?” She asked, playing up her best curiously innocent voice.

“I’m talking about you being out all hours of the night.”

“Dad, I have no clue what you’re talking about,” she assured him. “I’ve been home all night.”

“What? No, you weren’t. I swear you were out. I had no clue where you went but you weren’t here,” he said, his eyes growing wide.

“Maybe you should lay off the caffeine before sleep. You’re having some wild dreams.” Via’s face was a mask of innocence, with a dash of disbelief. He ran a hand over his face, looking stunned.

“I’m… I’m gonna go get some more sleep,” he muttered, brushing past her and heading up to his room. Via waited until he was completely out of the room and she heard the click of the door before she started moving again. She cleaned up a little around the living room and noticed two energy drink cans by the coffee table. Her dad would never change. She put them in the small container filled with other cans and then sat at the table, her expression turning slightly blank.

Saturday was always her least favorite day of the week. Via never seemed to have anything to do, no one to talk to. That might have been due to her lack of friends, though. Well, that was a depressing thought. She stood and decided that maybe a walk would shake the idea of being friendless. Via grabbed her black coat and a scarf and headed out. She debated whether to go to the park or into the city, and realized the city would provide a better distraction.

As soon as Via as in the city, her spirits felt higher. She shoved her hands deep into her pockets, pushing past crumpled candy wrappers and letting her fingers brush against the soft fabric. Her eyes stayed forward, fixed on a lamp post in the distance. She swerved around uptight looking women and business men chatting angrily into cell phones. It was just the daily sidewalk crowd of New York.

“Excuse me, miss,” someone said and the voice instantly sent shivers down her spine. Her head snapped back to the direction of the voice and she gasped. It was the boy from her dream. What was he doing here? Why wasn’t he still in her head? Bit her lip and looked forward, still walking. “Miss, please hear me out. I would like to apologize.”

“For what? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said, finally stopping and turning, to see that he started to follow after her, his hands slightly outstretched.

“I would like to apologize last night for my unnecessary insolence.” His eyes were wide, like he was trying to convince her with a single look.

“What are you talking about?” She asked. He seemed to ignore her as he continued on.

“Let me make it up to you, come out to coffee with me,” he suggested, his eyes turning slightly hopeful and she felt like if she looked at him for too long, she might be sucked in by them.

“No, that’s ridiculous,” she said and his face fell. “I don’t even know your name.”

“That is not important,” he said suddenly and she recoiled, looking at him seriously.

“Yeah, it kind of is. Around these parts, going on a coffee date with someone without knowing their name isn’t good. But, if you tell me your name, I’ll consider your offer.”

“Fine, if it is so bad, than what is your name?” He asked, cocking his head at her.

“I’m not about to tell some stranger!” Via said, her tone incredulous. “And I asked you first.”

“Elle,” he said after a moment of deep thought. Normally, he wouldn’t have given his name out so easily, especially to a human girl. They could never control their mouths. Via smiled, looking slightly smug, self assured.

“I’m Via,” she said. “And if it’s so important, I’ll go to coffee with you,” she said. She was prepared, though, if he tried anything. Inside her boot, there was a small pocket knife that she kept on her for emergencies. Hopefully, this didn’t turn out to be the first time she ever used it.

“Please, follow me,” he smiled, leading her to a small hole in the wall coffee shop. The outside looked slightly run down, but the inside was far from it. A couple of people greeted him with wide smiles and regarded Via with silence. They sat down at a small booth and he ordered them two cups of coffee.

“I am sorry I was so cold toward you last night. I was not myself, I assure you. I am not that cold of a person.” He threw her a small smile that made her eyes go wide. She quickly controlled them and then managed a shrug.

“It’s no big deal,” she said, tacking a smile onto the end of her sentence after a second thought.

“I assure that it is and you have my full thanks for coming here with me,” he said as two steaming cups of dark, coffee were placed at the table. She loaded hers with cream, cinnamon, and sugar until it was a sickly gray color. He took his black, though, she noted as she took the first sip.

The coffee was a lot better than it looked. She kept her lips on the edge of the cup, intently finishing it off, though it was burning her throat and mouth. All the while, Elle’s eyes stayed on her with a smile on his face. When the black spots started to interrupt her vision, she had just started to lick her lips. After a few seconds, she was completely consumed by the blackness.
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Avery

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