In The Beginning...

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In The Beginning...

Post by Black&White on Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:45 am

which is...yet to really happen.
anyways...
as maybe a few know, i've been planning for a book based off of the seven deadly sins and I think I got an idea of plot forming in mah brain. And once that happens, I usually just free write it all. But I can't seem to start it in a fashion that I like. More like I've been typing the beginning over and over and I can't settle on an introduction. soo...i need opinions on which you kind people like.

Beginning 1

“Come one, come all! Follow them train tracks, folks! You’ll see the tent soon enough!” The hobo shouted in the middle of town, bringing a crowd to stop and stare or others to walk on, too sophisticated for such frivolous things. Or, at least, he appeared to be a hobo . . . but that was a fancy conductor’s staff for him to be waving about . . .
His clothes were torn and patched up with oddly patterned squares of cloth, but look closer and one might be able to see the stitches were done by an expert hand. But who knows; maybe he learned well enough after that many moth holes. His trousers were a good three inches too short though, revealing his shined black shoes, but mismatched socks. He at least tried with his top half, having a presentable button up shirt and leather jacket, but that also seemed slightly tight for him across his shoulders. Gloves that were missing the fingers grasped that fancy stick, perfectly ink black with a gold top to it, not a scratch on it either. Upon his head of rather unruly silvered brown hair was a shiny black bowler’s hat to match that staff and his shoes. It rather confused the onlooker, if one really stopped to study him. Was he really a hobo or was that his costume?
“Right on down them tracks!” He repeated, waving his untarnished staff the direction. “Sights you have never thought could exist, sorcery an’ alchemy happenin’ with a snap of the fingers, a nine foot – tall man, an’ people who can walk on the air or tame the worst of beasties!” The hobo looks down at the crowd from his perch upon the base of a statue of the villager’s founder, some rich man from Chicago who had built that train track some twenty years ago. There’s a shine to his eyes and a mystery behind his smile, just daring you to head on down to the stripped tent. “Could I lie to you folks about all this?”


Beginning 2

That’s the old Ringleader, pay no heed to him. He’s been sitting in that mud puddle since he lost his business, begging for money. He offers to tell you his story for fifteen cents, or at least the summary. The full thing is a quarter. It’s interesting, I’ll tell you that. A few hours entertainment is all.
You want to? You better not have anything else planned for a few hours, it’s a long tale. He takes his time. But every time that story’s different. No one knows the true version. A few people say he’s just lying. The rumor floating around is that he’s a bit crazy.
“Hey. Pardon me, kid . . .”
Now we’ve done it. Gone and got too close to him, got his hopes up.
“Fifteen cents for the full tale today! It’s the ten year anniversary, see. Thought I’d do a special offer!” He holds out his tin cup, what little coins inside tinkling against the sides as his hand shakes. His eyes are wide, his mouth hanging open in a smile like fashion though it’s not sincere. They call him Ringleader because of those clothes. Beneath the filth is definitely a circus outfit, but he probably stole them from some theatre. Maybe even a real circus.
“That’s . . . that’s right. Three thousand, six hundred and fifty days since I lost my tent to that sniveling boy. No . . . no . . . that’s three thousand, six hundred and fifty one. Last year was a leap year, wasn’t it? It was . . .”
It wasn’t. His other hand goes to his chin, tapping his lower lip somewhat nervously as he looks about the passing people. Definitely insane . . .
“So whaddya say? Fifteen? . . . T – Ten even? I’ll tell ya the whole true thing, promise!”

(if ya hadn't guessed, Ringleader's sin is greed)

if ya need more info on the book just ask and I'll fill you in some more. I'll be happy to fill ya in on charries and bits of plot if ya want. These are the two beginnings I like most, but will prolly add in one or two more as I write more, see which fits in with the story best.

soo tell me what ya think of each and let's see if that helps me pick one. :p

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Re: In The Beginning...

Post by Bells on Wed Aug 17, 2011 11:56 am

Gah, mah brain is too dead right now for me to give a really good opinion and all that stuffs so I 'll just tell ya that I like the second one the best..bother me about it later and I'll try to come up with a good reason.

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Sending out your army, but you still can't win;
Listen up, silly boy, 'cuz I'm gonna tell you why..."
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Re: In The Beginning...

Post by Banshee on Thu Aug 18, 2011 5:56 am

I like the second one. Both are good but the other one stands out more.
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Re: In The Beginning...

Post by Invisimort on Fri Aug 19, 2011 11:42 am

Ok. So, first off, I really enjoyed both of them, but...like, In different ways if that makes sense.

Beginning one- You have this awesome description of the ringleader, and I am excited as a reader to go and see what's in the tent. It reminded me of ths book I read a few years back (I cannot currently recall the title...), But I remember enjoying the book. It seemed a bit lighter than the second one, more... Partylike in tone... If that makes any sense.

Beginning two- I feel like this is taking place after the events in beginning one...Like, kind of reminiscent of what story telling device is used at the beginning of phantom of the opera. You used a different tense than in beginning one, and I am inclined to wonder whether the whole book would be in present tense as a result (That would be kind of awesome if you did it that way, although possibly a bit difficult.) This set a ...serious, or darker tone in the first page, Which I found interesting.

Over all, I enjoyed both, but it really depends on what kind of tone you want to set at the beginning...Er...I do apologise that I couldn't just pick one...I guess it depends on where you're going with it...If that makes sense.

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Re: In The Beginning...

Post by Black&White on Tue Aug 23, 2011 2:19 pm

no, it helps. thanks!

and the description is actually Hobo in the first, sort of a guide in the circus. Plays a sort of... Hobo from the Polar Express type 'friend' to the MC.

The second's Ringleader, after the fact as you said.

Hm. I sort of want the book to be creepy, cuz it is the Seven Deadly Sins and all... But I don't know if I'd like to start out that way. I'm thinking of making it progressively more creepy as its gradually revealed to the MC how corrupt the circus is. Sort of starting out all happy but the mood declines with the presented realities of the situation he's in.

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Re: In The Beginning...

Post by Black&White on Tue Aug 23, 2011 2:32 pm


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