Trentas: The Wars Continue (Help? this is my prologue and i need opinions on it)

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Trentas: The Wars Continue (Help? this is my prologue and i need opinions on it)

Post by Momo13 on Sun Aug 07, 2011 2:43 am

Trentas: The Wars Continue

Burning, burning,
The world burns down.
No one stops it,
Or sticks around.
Ashes, ashes
Flood the floor.
What once was loved,
Is now no more.
A song chanted across my village for as long as I could remember. I never knew what it really meant, until that grim day. Which, in retrospect makes me feel like an idiot. I mean, it was pretty straight forward. But that’s not the point of that day.
But on that day, that very grim day, my brother and I became homeless. Not orphans, for we still had a father. But homeless. No home, no village to stay in, and no family to stay with. We had nothing. Our father was never there, but then again, he never could be. He was a god, and we were just mortals. He gave us nothing, or so we thought, never wrote us, and he was never there. But somehow, without him, we survived that day.
That day, where the only sound I remember hearing was my mother’s screams and the crackle of the fire. Our house was ablaze in front of us, and my brother, Anatoly, was holding me back. Our mom was inside, and the village encircled our house with fire and traps. We couldn’t get into her, she couldn't get out. Every person who stood outside with us had a sneer on their face. We were vermin to them. Half god, half Nophilain. That was a curse now, as it always has been for us. The gods had not cared for the Nophilains, except the rare few like our mother. They resented their children, and thought of them as mistakes.
“You will bring only bad luck, being a child of the gods. Your mother was horridly wrong by tempting the gods and producing you two. Get out of our village and never return.” A village official sneered to me and my brother. I wasn’t paying attention then, I didn’t hear them, but Anatoly did. He dragged me off, away from the screams and the fire. Away from all I knew.
“Burning, burning. The world burns down.” I cried softly, the only words I spoke that day.

Last edited by Momo13 on Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:00 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Trentas: The Wars Continue (Help? this is my prologue and i need opinions on it)

Post by Regret on Thu Aug 18, 2011 12:59 pm

The language used seems awfully modern, like 'retro-spec [sic]' and 'stick around'. Also, you spelt retrospect wrong, and missed out 'to' in 'wrote (to) us'.

This isn't a salad if that's what you're implying.

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