I want to make my readers cry....

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I want to make my readers cry....

Post by Kara on Fri Jan 20, 2012 8:31 pm

This is a scene from Words of a Love Song. I need ya'lls opinion. My goal is to make my readers cry, but I'm not sure if this will cut it. Will you read it and tell me what needs fixing?

Mr. Mason wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, his brown hair falling into his eyes as he leaned down to kiss her head.
"Mal was driving home from your house when it happened," he whispered, his voice horse. "She was going over the twenty-three bridge when someone was going the other way. They must have been texting or something, because they suddenly swerved over into her lane. She pulled the wheel to the left and tried to break, but that old truck wouldn't break fast enough. She--" He suddenly stopped and looked up at the ceiling, his arms still clinging to his wife. "She went over the guard rail and flew into the creek."
Ian was staring at him, his lips unable to form any words.
"They say it was a miracle she didn't die on impact."
Didn't die on impact.
Those words echoed hollowly in his mind, the meaning lost to him. The only word that stuck out was die.
What if he lost her? The girl he's belonged to since the beginning of seventh grade?
"Isn't that awesome, Ian?"
Blinking out of his stunned thought, he looked down at Jordon. "Huh?"
"Mal flew through the air like Spongebob and Sandy did! I wanna do that someday." He was jumping up and down on the floor, making his car fly off his dad's leg and onto the ground, making a perfect landing. Only Mallory's truck didn't make a perfect landing. If it did, she wouldn't be here.
Bending down, Ian picked Jordon up and held him close, letting the boy run his car over his shoulders and back. "How bad was she?" he managed to ask, his voice a mere whisper.
Mr. Mason shook his head. "I only got a glimpse of her. There was so much blood, Ian..."
At this, Mrs. Mason broke into more sobs. She clung to her husband's shirt, her knuckles white against the black of his sweatshirt. Still holding her close, Mr. Mason walked her outside, murmuring soft words to her.
Ian slid down the wall and sat, settling Jordon on his lap. There they waited, Ian in agony and Jordon in blissful ignorance. By the time the Mason's got back, an hour had passed, and still no word came from the doctors.
"I'm hungry," Jordon complained after another hour. "I want mac and cheese."
Ian sighed and stood up, keeping hold of Jordon's hand. "Alright, Little Man. Let's go to the cafeteria." With a grateful look from Mrs. Mason, they began to walk down the hallway.
"Mr. and Mrs. Mason?" he heard from behind him. He turned around to see a doctor walking toward Mallory's parents, a somber expression on his face.
Ian's heart tore.
"I'm sorry. We did everything we could..."
Ian's heart shattered.
He watched as Mrs. Mason sank to the floor, her cries for her first and only daughter echoing in the hallways. Mr. Mason dropped to his knees beside her, his arms encasing his wife, his shoulders shaking violently.
Tears were running freely down Ian's face, his mouth forming the word "no" without any sound.
"Ian?" came Jordon's voice from far away. Without any sense of what was going on, Ian looked down at the little boy who had the same hair as his sister, the same eyes, the same smile... "Why's Mommy and Daddy crying?"
He couldn't remember how long he just stared at the boy, just noting the similarities between him and his big sister. "Mal's not coming back, buddy," Ian finally managed to get out.
Jordon looked over at his parents, his bottom lip jutting out. Looking back up at Ian, he pulled on his sleeve to get his attention. "Do you think she'll be back in time to make mac and cheese?"

If you tiptoe into cold water, you're missing out on the rush of plunging head first.
--- Simone Elkeles; Return to Paradise

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